ONCE UPON A TIME… I had an idea and started writing
The countdown has begun for the inevitable new chapter in my life, the grieving transition into my 40’s. The mere fragment of a reflection, that I have allowed myself to have on this aging process has created some sort of a subliminal effect on me, it’s not easy to actually verbalize the meaning of this number.
Every day there is so much I have to keep up with, things like debt, work
, clothes
, hair
, friends
, wrinkles
, men
, undesirable extra pounds
and so many other day-to-day issues
.
So, it has become a bit intense for me to figure out a way to keep all brain cells working at a full time speed to deal and accept the number 40.
It’s a magical reaction, all I have to do is remember how close I’m getting to that age and immediately get a nervous twitch. For a split second I can actually feel there’s a shortness of breath, followed by a sensation like quickly seeing my younger years passing right in front of my eyes in panoramic images. I remember very vividly when the age number was less, I mean a lot less than the number I’m about to be in a year from now.
It’s easy to loose track of one’s self during this aging process. I want to believe that somewhere in the brain there is a rational side and if I happen to be mistaken, maybe I should try surfing the net and check if there are any pills available in the market to help me control this mournful way to foresee life after 40.
Perhaps, I should practice at least once a week, a routine exercise to help me develop the habit of diverting my thoughts from this anxiety caused by getting older.
There’s got to be a way to toy around with the thought that there is an actual group of people on the phase of the earth who happen to welcome a new spring into their lives every single year, because age is nothing but a number and one’s true age is the one you hold in your heart. Please forgive me for saying this, but my heart could care less about the seasons, plus it is actually throwing tantrums and also begging me to quit adding numbers to my age and decades to my life.
There should be a universal mantra to help me behave accordingly to my age. I wish I could have a magic wand to fully stop this mathematical nonsense.
I can’t help to feel that this cycle is very much like a puzzle, it sounds so simple in theory when it’s not so easy to fit all the pieces into the right places, it kind of feels like going down hill on bike without brakes and its seat.
Lately I've noticed that my mental state of denial about my age confuses the heck out of me.
There are days when getting out of bed in the morning my entire body yells out, "I'm 80."
Sometimes, in the very early part of the morning when my vision is still kind of blurry from waking up, I look into my hazy reflection in the mirror and for a brief moment I can see a twenty-some year old staring right back at me.
I also have the kind of mornings when I get in the bathroom to take a shower, and right before I get in, I just stand there by the tub… listen to the water running… not really thinking… When suddenly a powerful unknown force hits me and I can’t resist taking one quick glance at my bed … right after that I have no choice but to run back to bed and get under the covers. And that’s not all!! I hear a little voice in my head saying, “Five more minutes then take a shower.” It worries me to see how much power my inner-teenager has over me.
I have to be honest nine years ago I was not a happy camper turning 30. The transition was the equivalent of having a never-ending pre-menstrual syndrome.
Little by little, one day I forgot about my age and suddenly it dawned on me, being thirty is awesome… Oh boy! Wait a minute! I’m sorry, let me rephrase that… Being in my thirties was awesome.
It was in my 30's when I started trying to live consciously, enjoying everything to the fullest. Plus, I learned the things I didn’t want to learn before or didn’t care for or maybe hadn’t paid much attention to.
I started the decade freshly divorced, a contribution to the statistics. I became independent and single for the first time in my adult life.
As a hormonal being as I am, I got confused, cried and went through life as an entity trying to process so many things at the same time. I had no idea who I was. I only knew what I didn’t want in my life anymore. Back then, I would have pawned an ovary in exchange to know the things I did want in life. Now, almost a decade later, I know who I am, I’m aware of what I have learned, experienced, seen, dreamed about, wept, cursed, cried, laughed, fallen, gotten up, and I still have no clue where my life is taking me.
It would have been amazing to have money and travel for the next 12 months, but the economy has not been on my side for the past three years. So, this will be my journey, starting today September 25th. This will be my path as I get closer to the end of my chapter. This is my venting out idea to get rid of my old thoughts. I just want to change the chip so I can turn 40 without the melodrama.
Also, I’m quite aware I will not always be able to hold back the grimace in its entirety, I must remind myself that at this age in particular, I need to be extremely careful not to emphasize the wrinkles I already have. Vanity - although never a very good quality - tends to come first!
This cannot be so overwhelming!
If I have gotten this far in life, I’m sure I must have learned something along the way. I love the idea of placing my ignorance on a scale, I’d like to rescue myself from this madness, give myself credit for everything I have done right in my life, put away my ego and expose all my insecurities. I want to take mental pictures of the things I hate. I want to be able to pin point every single little thing that turns the sky bluer and makes the trees look greener.
I’d like to commit to my dilemma for the next 12 months. I think it’s a good way not to let time pass me by.
I admit it, I’ve turned into a Looney Toon because of my age, but in my defense this mental process is a lot easier only in theory, since I will have to become familiar with all the parameters I will encounter from here and on.
Let’s say I don’t die in the next 10 years. I cannot even begin to imagine the ordeal of turning 50. Nevertheless, it’s not the right time to go into that decade or into many details about where I will be so far into the future. First things first, I guess it’s better to find out if the world will survive 2012, by then… If nothing happens, I’ll start making plans ... What will I plan? ... I have no freaking idea!

